Social discomfort is so universal that social psychologists like me have made careers when studying it. We can find it almost anywhere, as in salary negotiations or small conversations of conversations that have too many uncomfortable pauses.
Almost everyone will meet at some point in an interaction that makes them feel uncomfortable. And at work, these situations arise daily. We give and take comments, administer the dynamics of the team and sail through the differences of state.
Most of us adopt a simple approach to calm discomfort: we smile as we can, we laugh (even when nothing is fun) and fold back to convince people: There is nothing to worry about here. This interaction will be positive. I am kind.
Maybe also Nice?
The problem of being too nice
Here is a sad sadness: the more we try to use Níces to cover up our discomfort, the more people you can see through us.
Humans are good to collect emotions, which are filtered through our nonverbal behaviors, such as voice tone. We believe that we are doing a good job masking anxiety by superimposing the fulfillment, but when those compliments are delivered through artificial smiles, no one is buying it.
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Often, we regulate our discomfort when giving feedback so generic that it is not useful. Think about your classic, “Good job!” In many cases, it also has no cattle.
The too positive feedback indicates that it is not paying attention, and it is likely that it is not, if it is too busy trying to regulate. Approximately in time, the person at the receiving end distrust himself from his part. They need specific information that helps them improve their work.
What to do whole
Many people work in environments where to be exaggerated is the norm. Here are three things that can do to change that culture to one in which honest and useful feedback is valued.
1. Ask the ‘culture of kindness’
Ask yourself: everyone around me enjoy this excessive culture, or do they do it because everyone else is doing it?
Social norms are a great promoter of behavior, and faster new arrivals adopt these norms, they will soon be perceived as “appropriate.” If a newcomer observes everyone to meet the fulfillment after a poor presentation, they will do the same.
If no one explicitly questions this behavior, the result is what social psychologists call “pluralistic ignorance”: all assume that everyone else is participating in excessive comments because they want to do it. But in secret, nobody likes it.
Start a conversation about change. Have an idea of what people really feel about good culture. One way to do it is proposing alternatives.
Before the next presentation, for example, I could ask people: “How would you feel if we each write through specific things that could improve and three specific things that you maintain at the end of the presentation?”
2. Be precise and particular
It is natural for us to extrapolate from behavior to form impressions and make assumptions. For example, we could decide that some that are chronically late are lazy. But impressions are too general offers to be useful, even if they are positive.
Strive for specific behavior -based feedback. The more precisely the problem can identify, that a presentation that had too much jargon, for example, instead of “was boring”, the more useful the comments will be.
The same goes for praise. If you tell some what they do well or why their work was excellent, it will be more genuine and your comments will be more significant.
Eliminating wide generalizations of the equation has the additional benefit of reducing the threat to the person at the receiving end, especially if that feedback is critical.
3. If you are new to this, start small and neutral
You can want to jump from a cliff, moving from an excellent culture of feedback to an honest.
Start small. Choose problems that are mundane, but that people still care, such as what to stored in office kitchen. Nothing to boil anyone’s blood. The goal is to develop feedback muscle. That way, once you jump to the hardest things, honesty rules have already begun to change.
While working to change the culture around it, be patient. The rules take a long time to form and a lot of time to change.
Tessa West He is a social psychologist and professor at the University of New York. She has spent years hepiating science to help people resolve interpersonal conflicts in the workplace. She is the author of “Jerks at work: toxic co -workers and what to do with them” AND “Work therapy: find work that works for you. “She is an instructor in the CNBC online course How to change career and be happier at work.
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